This is Today

06.09.2022

I had slowly given up on finding a remedy for my desperate need to physically hold Mila. I don't have a daughter to pull up onto my lap and wrap my arms around. I don't have a gravestone to visit and touch. My hands have been searching... In Mila's last year of life, my mom lay beside me one night and said, "I think we should have a bronze sculpture made of Mila playing in nature, like when she was little". My mom knew. I would find myself in this place of longing with a need to sit by and put my hands on something that reminded me of Mila that would ease my pain. As we raise the funds from amazing supporters, the idea is now taking shape. Perhaps the process of getting there is just as healing.

05.26.2022

How I face my reality continues to change. I've watched myself retreat over the past month, unable to share my feelings. I'm lost in a mess of conflicting and painful emotions crowding my mind. Friends who have experienced loss warned me that grief can take a hard turn after a year. Maybe that's what's happening. I think back on moments with Mila more and more and try to remember how they felt. But nothing helps me reconcile the life I've had which brought me such joy and the acceptance that I will never have it again in this lifetime.

04.01.2022

Last weekend, I celebrated my mom's life. A day I had pushed from my thoughts since I was a child. And just like that, I found myself standing in the front row of the chapel I used to go to when I was young, my dad on one side, my brother on the other. I looked over my shoulder to see the faces from my childhood behind me. As the strong voice and sound of piano keys filled the room, I looked up to the tall stone arches and saw my mom, holding healthy little Mila on her hip. They smiled down at me. They had both left my physical world at nearly the same time, yet my emotions around each were so different. I heard my quiet voice mouth the words, "I miss you," to my mom, then turn to Mila and say, "I'm sorry."